Football Sundays without Lily

It is amazing how you can get used to a small little dog as a companion. 

Sundays during football season, Brian sits in the man cave watching football all day and most of the evening and I would be upstairs cooking or doing whatever.  Lily was always at my side whether I was on the computer, watching tv, or cooking she laid in her bed in the kitchen and watched me or stood at the counter waiting for something to drop or she laid next to me on the couch. 

So strange yesterday all alone upstairs.  In fact, after dinner I asked Brian to stay upstairs to watch the evening games.  It is so lonely without her around.

Lily has come home

I picked up Lily's remains at the ER vet today, they called and I drive right by.  I couldn't bear to leave her there any longer than she had to be. 

So sweet!  Her collar with her tags, a clay heart with her 2 tiny paw prints and a lock of her fur and of course her cremated remains in a tin container.

So hard.  I put her next to me on the passenger seat and we came home.  She is sitting on the kitchen table right now...

I think I will get a shadow box to put things in and we can put it somewhere she liked to be.

I thought things were getting better but seeing her empty collar and hearing the chinking noise really made me sad.

I miss her!

Monday

It has been over a week since Lily has been gone.  Wow! sometimes the silence is deafening... just like this morning. 

We have not heard when we can pick up her remains and such, I hope it is soon, I think that will be the best closure for us.

We have chosen an area to dig the garden in her honor, it will be a garden dedicated to her and all the animals we see in our yard.  St. Francis will there as well as plants and things to attract, squirrels, birds, butterflies, hummingbirds and whatever else.   The garden will be able to be viewed from anywhere in the back of the house, she did not like to be without us so we thought a garden we can see most everywhere would be appropriate.

Sadness... we miss her so!

The Sounds that have been quieted

Lily was a small, quiet dog.  She got quieter as she got older.  She barked for awhile when she dislocated her hip and had to be put in a cage, and if she was left alone in a strange place she would bark.  Overall, though she wimpered to get your attention or quite frankly most of the time just sat and stared at you, silent.

How could a dog and life of a dog be so loud!

No tick tick tick on the kitchen floor from her nails. 

No chink chink of her tags on her collar as she went up and down the stairs. 

No lapping at the water bowl sound.

No slamming sound of the sliding door we let her in and out of the kitchen.

No snorting/sniffing sound by the garage door, yes she did this if we were home too!

The best of all sounds, the thud of the small 7 pound dog leaping off the bed, sounded like a 30 pound animal!

And sadly, the last sound we had gotten used to, her coughing.

It is still pretty amazing how quiet it is!

Missing my little girl

One week ago today we lost Miss Lily.

I miss her so much. Certain things really bring back her memory and make me think of her. Packing my lunch for work I still expect to have her sitting at my feet wanting some food; at dinner she would sit between us and look up waiting for a little of what we were having. I sit on the couch now and long for her to be curled up next to me so I can pet her.

We love and miss you Lily...........

The first day back to work

I think besides Saturday evening Tuesday morning was the hardest day!  I got up and got dressed and as I walked down the stairs I just started sobbing.  I knew that the gate would be down and no Lily would be standing there waiting for me behind the gate. 

As I put my shoes on and got my coffee etc I cried and cried... my morning routine had become open gate, greet Lily, let Lily out and in, give her meds and treats, check her water and food bowls, get my stuff ready, put gate up and say goodbye and "be a good girl Lily".

I gathered my thoughts and as I passed the exit to the Akron ER we took her to I again started sobbing, thinking of her in that baby incubator, struggling to breathe and the fact that we left her there.....just ripped my heart out!

I met my coworker in the parking garage and she said she was sorry to hear about Lily... more sobbing, just uncontrollable sometimes!  Needless to say everyday I take a make up bag to work now, just in case the moment strikes and I have to freshen up.

Labor Day

What was to be a fun and relaxing non-working day turned out to be a day of mourning for us.  We did sleep in, had our coffee and read the paper in silence.  Brian washed Lily's placemat and rinsed out her bowls and put them in the basement.  I was not prepared for that.  Nor am I prepared to call the vet and tell them and see if I can return the rest of her medicines or give away her pill pockets. 

We decided to go out shopping and do some errands to break up the day.  We spent about 4 hours shopping for things for my cooking class and looking at stuff, etc. 

We decided to hang some pictures in the dining room and the whole time we did no one wanted outside, it's amazing how much time it takes to let a dog in and out all the time, especially Lily taking Lasik she went out a lot as of late.

I made a nice dinner that evening and I really missed having Lily in her bed watching me or next to me or in my way underfoot while I was preparing dinner.  No little dog to go in and out to sniff at the grill or sit by us while we ate.  I turned on the television to fill the silence.

The day after

After very little sleep, we awoke Sunday morning to get ready for church.  Lily had not been sleeping with us most of the night's so getting up in the morning has not been as tough.

We quietly went downstairs, Brian has removed the gates to the hallway and dining room and I had removed her bed.  It was very foreign to not see those things that were a fixture in our home.  The silence that morning was deafening, no dog to let out, no gate to put up when we left, no puppy pad mess to clean up, no one to say goodbye to....

We shed more tears off and on that morning and were very sad as Brian did not have an egg to make that morning after church.  His Sunday ritual was making 1 scrambled egg for Miss Lily every sunday after church since we had moved to Ohio. 

Fortunately, we had made plans to go to Kent that day, Brian for his Fantasy football draft and I to meet up with my friend Wendy.  We killed as much time as we could and still arrived home around 7:30pm to no sniffing dog at the door and a quiet house.

The first night

After we agreed to the DNR for Lily, which was the stark reality she may not make it, we went back to see her before leaving her for treatment at the ER.  She was laboring to breathe and helpless in the little neonatal incubator with oxygen.  We sobbed and cried all the way home hoping she would pull out of this. 

About 45 minutes to an hour after arriving home, the ER vet called, she started coughing and her heart just couldn't take it anymore, she was gone.

Sleeping was difficult, there was a lot of crying and sobbing.  Brian woke at 3am as he usually did to take Lily outside.  She wasn't there.  I awoke not long afterwards to find him sitting at the computer posting on Facebook.

We decided we would feel better if we made arrangements for her, so we called and made the cremation arrangements, in fact we called back 4 times to fix, correct, or add to the order!  We tried to go back to sleep, but it took awhile. 

I could not bear to look at her bed in the kitchen so I tossed it down the basement stairs in anquish, not knowing what else to do in my sadness.  Brian went down and quietly picked it up and put it away in the basement.  We went back to bed and tossed around what to do with all of her things.

Finally, we fell asleep amidst tears and sadness.